Struggling with Joy

A lot of spiritual lessons culminated for me today, only after I had the emotional breakdown, of course.

We’ve got mold issues. And I’ve got some intense allergies to mold of any sort. So that, and hormones, and not having felt baby for a few days, and missing the closeness of family, and my husband busting himself to provide for us– it all just got to my feels and I spent a good 20 minutes crying.

After the cry, I was still depressed. Because there are 2 things I hate in this life, emotional breakdowns/crying senselessly, and vomiting, and I’ve managed to accomplish both today. Huzzah.

And it was as i was driving to my last minute dermatology appointment that the Holy Spirit whispered, “Your emotions aren’t the basis for truth. My Word is truth. I am the way, the Truth, and the life.”

And I bucked up a bit.

So reminding myself of that, I was blessed to have a mom from church who was able to sit with the kids while my arm got biopsied. She asked me how we ended up all the way out here “in the sticks” instead of in Knoxville (like we had planned)

And in telling that story, I realized God’s amazing faithfulness amidst some pretty ridiculously impossible circumstances.

I started to recount them, like the OT history is recounted over and over in Scripture.

Told I was infertile- God gave me Titus.

When we needed a bigger vehicle- an accident totaled our car.

Needed a bigger house- property owner canceled our lease.

Needed help at home with the kids- God gave my husband a part time job and called him to seminary.

Now, we need repairs and remodel of our home- I end up with mold sickness.

We’ll see how this one plays out, because I know our insurance has said they won’t cover it.

But I trust God.

And as I ate my afternoon snack of PB&J, and drank a cuppa Joe, I was reminded that in the midst of this physically, emotionally difficult time, I have so much to be joyful for. And I’ve said it before- even if God never did another thing for me, I would still owe Him my life!

My family is (mostly) healthy -me notwithstanding- I have a/c and a roof over my head. My husband is employed and wants me to be able to continue staying home, raising and educating our kids, when many other husbands might tell their wives to get a “real job”. I have a man who fights for me and not against me. And even if everything else fails, I have salvation in Christ. I have to remind myself continuously that it doesn’t matter what I face here, my Savior faced infinitely more on the cross when he took the wrath of God my sins deserve.

So perspective.

But then I was moved to worship and I started singing hymns.

And the notes came easily, and beautifully– notes I can’t usually sing full voice– and it was a little startling! And it was as if God said- “I’m with you. I will never leave or forsake you. You can do all things through Christ, who strengthens you.”

And it was really just a beautiful moment. And I’m almost sad I didn’t get to share it with everyone I know, but to know that the Creator of the Universe cared enough to speak to me through praise, prayer, and His Word as I was standing in my kitchen singing out of the Baptist Hymnal and making meatballs really just blew me away.

So yeah, I’m outrageously uncomfortable. Migraines, itchy skin rashes, and finally- Thank you Jesus- I felt the baby move for the first time since all this mess started.

(Apparently it ((I assume she)) was on strike until I ate some peanut butter for it (her… we’ll see).

But God is still God. And He is still Good. He has given me such deep and abiding joy! And He is ever faithful- even when I’m distraught and sobbing senselessly, and floundering in pregnancy induced, hormonal melancholy.

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