They finished work on the basement today. Walls torn out, mold is gone, sump pump installed, ducts cleaned, and home fumigated.
We were just starting to feel joyful at having come through that challenge that rocked me physically, financially, and emotionally, when our AC went out.
People, I’m 17 weeks pregnant. I was finally getting over the nausea, and now there’s just heat. Hot, muggy, 100% humidity in August in East Tennessee heat. In my house.
What’s more, our 23 year old van has decided it needs to rattle and clank every time we accelerate or brake, and be detrimental to our road safety.
And we discovered plumbing leaks when the walls came out.
And holes where nests of ants were just making themselves feel welcome in our insulation.
And none of our applications for help with the repairs have come back positive.
And you know, there’s still the roof. We sealed it and hope that buys us some time with the insurance company… Whom we couldn’t get ahold of today when we called…
And then as I was trying to put away groceries, my phone decided to javelin throw itself into my big toe.
And y’all, I wept.
Like, broken down, in the floor, crying big, fat, “what the heck, why me, why now!?” tears… Pregnancy hormones give me a pass on sobbing.
After my husband came to check on me because of the “weird injured goose sound” I made, and let me know he thought there was a knife stuck in my foot, I refrained from offering to stick a knife in his foot, and I walked past this mirror between our kitchen and dining area.
Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You, Your right hand upholds me.
-Psalm 63:7
And then I cried again. And then started singing Your Love Oh Lord by Third Day…and cried some more.
And then I remembered a passage from Hebrews I read this afternoon:
Though He was God’s Son, He learned obedience through what he suffered.
Hebrews 5:8
And again, I was reminded of Hebrews 12:3-4. I haven’t resisted anything to the point of shedding my own blood. I have no reason to grow weary and lose heart.
I want to.
I want to give up.
I want to cry, and stay in bed all day, and not manage the house that’s falling down around me…
But what does that teach my children about the God I serve? How is that response helpful or encouraging to my husband who works tirelessly to provide for us and is equally, if not moreso burdened by the repairs that need done? That it’s too uncomfortable right now, so I’m giving up?
I can’t do that.
Because His right hand upholds me. And He is my help.
I feel alone. I feel completely defeated and helpless. But I know God is still there. He is still faithful. And He still desires that I serve Him faithfully and cling to Him because I can’t stand up on my own (not least of all due in part to my injured toe).
I need you, Lord God. Thank You for reminding me You’re still here, and that You aren’t surprised or depressed by any of these setbacks we are facing. Help me to be faithful and obedient. Help me to show that endurance to my children. Let me be a source of joy and encouragement to my husband when he feels like he’s ready to quit. Lord, lift up my family in due time, by your mercy and grace, help us humbly follow You even though it’s difficult right now. Come, Lord Jesus.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Wholly Holy Living 