So it’s been 2 weeks and change since we brought home our 4th baby. There’s been a lot of crying, from me as well as the kids.
I can say I haven’t had a lot of depression, but my level of anxiety is through the proverbial roof.
Even the should-be-fun moments have me fraught with anxiety. We had the kids at the gardens yesterday. The fish ponds? Forget it. I couldn’t stop envisioning my littles tripping over the stones and falling headfirst into the koi pond.
They didn’t fall, and my husband was right there watching them. But still my chest tightened and my jaw clenched just watching them.
And in spite of my warnings, I watched my daughter fall flat on her back off what we call “the hobbit tunnel.” I couldn’t have stopped it if I wanted to- I was nursing the baby! And my husband had taken our oldest to potty. Of course, she was fine, but that fear of a broken bone or concussion still made my adrenaline rush and my heart race.
This morning, I was battling the toddlers while trying to make breakfast. Somewhere between storing expressed breastmilk and breaking up a fight, I lost track of the time and the bacon I had under the broiler was burned to a crisp… Beyond a crisp… It was utterly incinerated to ash.
What I’ve learned in the last two weeks, or really over the last 5 years, is that sometimes– the bacon just gets burned.
I am one mama. I cannot be everything for everybody. The emergent needs of my kids take priority over many of the other worthy endeavors in my life such as actually washing my hair instead of rocking dry shampoo for the 2nd…3rd…4th day in a row.
I needed the charred strips of pork this morning to remind me that it’s okay to let some things go so that I can be present for my family, and most importantly, so that I can spend time with the Lord.
It’s really easy to let my spiritual disciplines slip when the demand for my time and attention increase. The truth is that my time in the Word is the one thing I cannot afford to let go of. In reading through Genesis again this year, what strikes me is the heartbreaking prevalence of sin met with God’s ceaseless mercy and grace to His people in spite of their faithlessness. And what’s more, I know I need that mercy and grace.
I have so many plates spinning, that often times the good things I endeavor to do only add to my anxiety. I spent a portion of time today evaluating how and where I spend my time and asking whether those things add or detract value from my life; ultimately, everything I do has to conform to God’s will, which is to say, it must be in my best interest (sanctification to Christlikeness) and to His glory. If the tasks or activities don’t conform to those standards, they get dumped like heavy rocks chucked overhead at an alien life form.
So until next time, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go lob some rocks to make space for all the newness in my life.