- Why do they turn into insufferable little goblins at 4:00pm every day? It’s as if they’ve held a staff meeting and decided that strategically, that’s the prime time to destroy everything productive I’ve done all day. “4:00pm, guys! She’ll be starting dinner, so #2, you take off your pants and run around outside naked so the neighbors can call the cops for neglect. #3, you focus on shredding any visible paper product- I wanna see gerbil quality shredding! I’ll passively participate in everything, distributing the magic markers and soliciting ideas for creative destruction, then be the one to blow the whistle on you just in time for mom to burn dinner and order pizza. We good? BREAK!”
- As I’m scrubbing peanut butter off every surface in my bathroom, my thoughts immediately turn to wondering why we thought having a 4th was a good idea… I swear I can hear God laughing with my mother over a cup of coffee.
My mother: “But she told me she didn’t want any kids!”
The Lord: “I know, so I gave her 4!!!”
- Toddlers thrive on emotional outbursts, have no shame or capacity for logic, refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, and always act surprised and outraged at the consequences. They think their points of view gain validity as they increase the volume to a shout. They’re like career politicians, except cuter, and less fluent in English.
- Having pets only sort of prepares you for having children. Both dogs and toddlers chew your valuables, make your house messy, have horrendous potty accidents, and neither should be fed sugar. But, at the end of the day, at least my dogs don’t have opposable thumbs.
- I consider hearing the phrase, “I hate you, you’re ruining my life!” When you’re only acting in protection of their personal well-being to be a parenting milestone. I wear that badge with honor.
- Toddlers can be as unpredictable as cats. Sometimes I’d rather have a cat than a toddler; sure cats are jerks…they poop in your house, put dead things in your shoes, and act like they hate you, but at least they never give you false hope…
…With a toddler, you never truly know where you stand. Do they love and adore you, or just want to see you die of a massive heart attack at age 30? No one really knows.